What REALLY Happened in the Wizard of OZ
by Poor Q. Pine
Summary: Everyone knows how the story Wizard of OZ goes right? Wrong! You were hidden from the truth, it is all a cover up to conceal the embarrassing but true story. Read to find out what REALLY happened.
1. Prologue

Long before any of you were born, long before you're great grandparents even existed, there was an island in the middle of the Pacific called OZ. In that island lived a wizard, two fairies, and two witches. They all occupied their own territories on the island, the two fairies took north and south, the two witches took east and west, and the great and powerful wizard controlled everything in the centre of the island. The wizard hid himself and his lair where no one would ever be able to find him.  
  
In London, England, there was a debate on where to dump eleven tonnes of yellow bricks. It was either in the middle ocean, or the US. This debate has gone on for three months and it was still a deadlock. The queen of England wanted to dump it into the ocean cuz she didn't want then to get nuked. However, the other side of the debate said that it would be harmful to the marine animals inhabited there. And so, it went on...  
  
"Please, we have to make a decision today!" pleaded the Queen of England  
  
"Yes, we will, and the bricks will be dumped in the US." Cried the marine life loving party.  
  
"NO! How many times do I have to say this?! We might make them mad and get nuked."  
  
"That's bullshit! We don't even know whether they have nukes or not! We need to think of the fish and other life forms in the waters, what if you destroy the area where all the rare, one-of-a-kind, rainbow octopus lives."  
  
"We can't take that chance! We're talking millions of lives in danger. Don't you think it's worth it to dump these bricks on some octopus that barely anyone has heard of to save millions of lives?"  
  
"Um... I have a suggestion..." said a nerdy short person, "why don't we just dump these bricks in an area that needs them. I heard that this China is going to make another one of those giant wall thingies."  
  
"NO!" Both parties protested.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Well... if we do... then..." the Queen started, "then...  
  
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!!! While the Queen of England was explaining why they couldn't dump the bricks in China, a big truck with a very loud horn drove by and made a long, ear piercing honking noise.  
  
... and that's why we can't dump it in China or any other country."  
  
"Yeah... Good point..."  
  
After countless hours of debating, they decided that everything was going to be determined by a coin toss.  
  
"I call heads!" the Queen called out.  
  
"I call tails."  
  
The coin was flipping in the air slowly. Everyone leaned forward in their seats as the coin began to drop. Cling. The coin landed and everyone waited for it to stop spinning.  
  
"Don't flip the coin so high next time." The Queen complained.  
  
"Well, sor-ry." Said the nerdy short kid sarcastically.  
  
"Shut up you two, the coin is stopping."  
  
They all turned to the coin and stared as it slowed down. The coin finally spun to as stop. It was heads.  
  
"YES!! In your face! Who's your daddy... who's your daddy..." mocked the queen, doing a little jig.  
  
"Okay, you win, we lost, dump it in the waters, but PLEASE don't kill the octopus."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever..." the queen said, "Hey! You told me to shut up back there didn't you? Never tell the queen to shut up. Just for that, I'm going to dump fourteen tonnes of emerald with all these bricks"  
  
The next day, the queen's orders were out. Thirty airplanes will be flown into the middle of the Pacific and dump the useless bricks and emeralds into the water. The pilots did what they were told, however, all these useless bricks and emerald landed on the Island of OZ.  
  
"Holy shit!" cried the wicked witch of the west while flying on her broom, "it's raining bricks and emeralds"  
  
"Still sticking with tradition eh? You should get one of these," said the wicked witch of the east pointing at her new Swifer Wet-Jet, "and it's twice as fast, and it cleans faster."  
  
"Oh shut up you two. Can't you see, it's a sign from the heavens that we should build a realm where people could settle in." said the fairy of the north.  
  
"Hey, I know..." said the fairy of the south, "we should make this big city right where the wizard lives with all this emerald and a road that leads to it with all these yellow bricks. Just to piss the him off."  
  
"Great idea!" they all agreed.  
  
So the four of them whipped up some magic and built a huge city with emerald with a yellow brick road leading to it.  
  
"WHO DARES TO REVEAL MY HIDING PLACE?!" the wizard's voice boomed. "I BET IT WAS THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST!"  
  
ZZZZzzzzzzz A beam of light surrounded the witch of the east and fried her to a crisp.  
  
Ouch...the south fairy thought. At this sight, they all fled to the north where they met at the north fairy's place.  
  
"You caused my sister to die... I will avenge her death one day... just you wait... north fairy..."  
  
"But it was her idea!" said the north fairy, pointing to her sister.  
  
"It was... uh... an accident..."  
  
"Whatever... I'm just going to kill you both... someday..."  
  
Fifty years later, the Island of OZ stayed the same, still with the two fairies, the witch, and the powerful wizard. No one dared to do anything to the wizard again.  
  
Somewhere in England, a number of midgets were trying to escape the country because of persecution. They all got on a boat and since none of them knew how to use the engine, and none of them were able to reach the oars, they slowly drifted out into the ocean. They waited day and night to reach land, until one day, they saw the island of OZ. Fortunately for them, the current of the sea carried them safely to the island. They decided to take refuge there for the rest of their lives. The fairies took them to their land, but some were captured by the wicked witch and were turned into evil flying monkeys. Some of them established a community in the eastern area where no one ruled them. And the rest of them went in the middle of the island, and took shelter in the emerald castle, serving the wizard. 


	2. Darcy

Several years later, in Kansas, a huge tornado occurred. It blew houses sky high, tossed people and animals around like leaves, and caused a number of deaths.

"Wow!" said Darcy, "glad I don't live there."

Darcy was a ten-year-old boy with a kind heart. He wouldn't even hurt a fly. Once, he nearly killed a few people, BUT, it was a complete accident…kinda. How was he supposed to know that inflammable meant flammable? If he had known, he wouldn't have blown up the gas station built beside the twenty-story apartment building. Darcy lived with his little black dog, Tofu. He wasn't sure why he had named him this, but it had something to do with how its parents had died. He also lived with his uncle and aunt. They never paid any attention to Darcy because they watched TV and drank beer twenty-four-seven. Darcy had learned to cook when he was five, and then learned to fully take care of himself by the age of seven.

Still in front of the TV, Darcy was glad that he lived in New York.

"It's so boring sitting here, Tofu, let's go outside for a walk."

"Arf!" _Why not, it's better than staring at that box all day,_ Tofu thought.

"Can you fetch me my red cap?"

"Grrrr." _No._

"Come on, boy, it's the red one. There's only five to pick from, and they're all in different colours. Go, boy!"

"Arf! Arf! Arf! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr." _Yeah, easy for you to say - you're not colour-blind!_

"Fine, I'll get it. Lazy dog…" Darcy picked up his red cap and went out the door with Tofu tagging along behind him.

They walked along their regular route through the city. Then, Darcy saw something unusual.

"Hey! What's that?!" Darcy stooped to pick up the strange-looking object. It was a white sphere the size of a ping-pong ball. Suddenly, an explosion of bright light burst out of the little orb, surrounding Darcy and Tofu.

Darcy slowly opened his eyes and saw a woman floating above him with a little guy beside her.

"He's awake!" cried the Fairy of the North.

"Wow, you were out for almost a millennium…" said some short stubby guy.

Hearing this, Darcy fainted.

"Whoa! I was kidding!!"

"Stop scaring people, Tom."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. Heh heh heh."

"Just look what you did to the other guy," The Fairy of the North said, pointing to the corner of a room.

Tom looked. There was a kid crunched up in a ball, shaking, with a terrified look on his face. "Spiders… spiders… Spiders everywhere… can't… open… eyes… spiders…"

"I even told you he was arachnophobic."

"Arako-what?"

"Arachnophobic. It means terrified of spiders, and you just told him that this room is crawling with millions of them."

"Well, maybe if you just said 'terrified of spiders', I might have understood." Tom said sarcastically. "Hey look, this kid's waking up again!"

"Shut up this time and let me do the talking."

Darcy sat up and looked around. Seeing nothing familiar, he asked, "Where am I?"

"You're on the Island of OZ. What brings you here?"

"Tofu!"

"Uh…" Tom and the fairy looked at Darcy uneasily.

"Where's Tofu?"

"Um… if you want some tofu, I could give you some, but I assure you, there are much tastier foods than tofu around here."

"No, I mean my dog! Where's my dog?"

"Do you mean a little black puppy with curious eyes, a scratched up nose, and a little white stripe on its tail?" asked Tom.

"Yes! Where is he?"

"Never saw him…"

"Tom!"

"Okay, okay… he's right here…" Tom picked Tofu up and gave him to Darcy, who was lying in a bed.

"Tofu!"

"Arf!" _Darcy!_

"So… where am I again?"

"The Island of OZ"

"OZ? Where's that?"

"Um… gee… this might be hard to explain, do you know where the Pacific is?"

"The Pacific Ocean? Ya, I know."

"Yeah, we're somewhere in the middle of it."

"No way! I live in New York! How did I get here?"

"Beats me…"

"Perhaps I know," said the fairy, "You picked up a ping-pong-ball-like object and it let out a blinding flash of light that surrounded you and your dog, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, while you were blinded, a kidnapper took you and Tofu on a plane. While you were flying overseas, you two somehow fell out of the plane and onto our island's only pillow factory. By the way, thanks for finding my ping-pong ball, I added a flashy light feature so I can find it if it ever gets lost. Now I can finish my game."

"Wow…" said Tom, amazed, "Who would have thought… Anyways, now you're in MY house."

"Well then, you're a fairy - do something to transport me back to New York." Darcy asked the fairy.

"Um… it's not that simple. You see, if you come to our island, you cannot leave." said Tom. "The Great Wizard won't allow anyone to expose the location of our secret island. If you want to leave, you have to confront him. My ancestors were stuck on this island for over five hundred years!" Tom explained.

"Fine, all I have to do is go and ask the wizard, then I'll be home?"

"No, you'll have to go and _confront_ the wizard if you want to go home."

"Fine, I'll go _confront_ the wizard, then will I be home?"

"Maybe, but the wizard has a nasty habit of frying people who make requests to him, so you'd better watch it."

"Meh, just tell me how to get there, Shorty."

"Follow the yellow brick road into an emerald palace, and the Great Wizard will be waiting for you in the centre room of the palace," said the fairy.

"How does he know I'm coming?"

"Oooh, the Great Wizard knows and sees allll…" said Tom in a mysterious voice.

"Well, if he knows that I'm coming and the question that I'm going to ask him, why doesn't he just give me an answer right here, right now?"

"Um… just shut up and leave…" Tom responded irritatedly, trying to force Darcy out the door.

"Fine, fine, I'll go. Come, Tofu." Darcy said, making a hand gesture for Tofu to follow him. "We're going on a quest!" _Screwed up people, why did they waste their time building brick road and painting it yellow?_ he thought. So Darcy started on his search for the Emerald Palace.

"By the way, kid!! I'm not short! I'm just… DIFFERENT!!!!" Tom shouted as Darcy and Tofu parted farther and farther from his house.


End file.
